Lost. Hope?

There is an eerie calm in the room. The ceiling fan is moving at its slow, regular pace. You are lying there, beneath the fan, staring it absent minded. Your music player is playing a song- the singer, in his high and melancholy voice, is complaining to god about how the almighty created him but no one in the world accepts him. You relate to the lyrics and try to find solace. You feel like you are the very protagonist on whom the song was filmed. You are quiet, thinking and wondering if the things will ever get better for you. Your conscience laughs at you and mocks you for being the loser you are, but your logic, well your botched up logic defies “logic” itself. It is continuously telling you, “don’t you worry pal, you got it. Even if you aren’t the best now, you will be the best someday. After all the highs are supposed to arrive after the lows.” And then you come back to your senses. And it all comes crashing down. You realize how big a façade it all is. You close your eyes.

Things will get better………… someday……..

The school years are a distant and sweet memory now. You accidently pick your jersey up. The CAPTAIN, as you were called. A faint smile is quickly replaced by the somber expression. After all, once the proclaimed conquer and the perfect guy is now a hollow embodiment of his old self, devoid of passion, devoid of enthusiasm. You place your jersey back from where you initially picked it up and close the closet slowly. The glorious days and the victories, the certificates and the medals, through the crack, gaze at you with sadness in their eyes. You stare back, a blank expression in your eyes and close the door.

The conqueror will return………..someday…..

You are sitting there, just looking at people passing by. Faking a smile for a few familiar faces and wondering when you became this guy. But alas! You don’t know the answer. You look at the groups hanging around you. Smiles on their faces, a feel of companionship that keeps them happy. You pick up your cell phone and look at the long forgotten pic of your gang. Sorry, the long forgotten gang in a pic. You get up, a wry smile on your face and leave.

The smiles would return…………someday….

You are surrounding by people. But you don’t feel the crowd. In fact, the only feeling you have is that of insecurity. Insecure and unconfident, you escape the chances of confrontation. Too tired of getting exposed! You simply avoid eye contact and let the things be. You feel you have escaped it all but then you hear a voice and it fills you with hatred towards yourself. Yes, it is your voice. You can see your once confident and buoyant version who smirks at you. You turn away.

The confidence will return……… someday…..

You see the girl you like. You start the walk called life together. At the very next moment  she is already walking in front of you. And then you just stop, hoping that she will notice your absence. But she doesn’t. You wait till she is just a distant figure. Expected turn of events. You smile, after all she too, was not meant to stop for you. You begin the walk again. Alone.

Someone will notice and stop……..someday…..

And it is the end of the day. Night is here. You find solace in the dark. The dark, which takes away the necessities of obliging with the formalities. You just walk. Not even sure of what is going on in your head or even in your life. You take a deep breath, close your eyes for a moment and let it all out, hopeful that the night will take it all away. Confused and tired, you finally lie down on your bed and hope. Hope that………..

All the ”someday(s)” will come………………someday………….

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